And guess what, mother fluffer? I don't need a fancy-ass website.
You probably came here expecting some parallax-scrolling, gradient-meshed, 47-megabyte loading screen extravaganza. Well tough shirt, buddy. This is jacobcapper.com and it does exactly what it needs to do: hold my freaking domain.
This entire page weighs less than a single emoji on your bloated LinkedIn profile. Did you really think I was going to load 500kb of fancy fonts just to say "Hi, I'm Jacob" in some swooshy animation? Get stuffed.
I'm a Security Systems Engineer. You know what that means? I understand that simplicity is security, mother trucker. Every fancy widget you add is another attack vector, every javascript library is another vulnerability. This site? Pure HTML. Try to hack plain text, I dare you.
Jack ship, that's what. This isn't my portfolio, it's not my blog, it's not my life story. It's a domain placeholder that happens to be more functional than 90% of the garbage websites you visit daily.
This beautiful mother trucker loads in 0.03 seconds on a potato internet connection. It works on Internet Explorer 6. It works on your grandmother's flip phone. It works on a graphing calculator. That's what I call responsive design, beach.
Cross-browser compatible? This thing would run on Netscape Navigator if that crusty old turd still existed.
Melbourne, Australia
Specializing in enterprise security systems and not giving a flying fudge about your opinion of my website design choices.
"Good design is as little design as possible."
- Some German mother fluffer (probably)
P.S. - If you're looking for social media links, fancy animations, or a 'Subscribe to my newsletter' popup, you've come to the wrong mother fluffing place. This domain serves a purpose: it's mine, it works, and it doesn't break. Deal with it.